procrastination.

there are so many things i'd rather do than read my government chapters.
i could take pictures or read blogs or watch house and parenthood on hulu or look at the most recent uploads on flickr or pretend i'm doing homework or play path pix pro on my ipod touch or shower or finish addressing my graduation announcements or wash my face or summarize science articles or read a magazine that i don't even like.
but i really should just read for government...

college.

now that i know where i'm going to college, all i ever hear about is what i need to do now to prepare for next fall.


sororitiesfootballticketshousingmealplansmajorsparentsweekend


i'm not even done with high school yet, and college is already freaking me out.


it seems like the closer it gets to graduation, the less excited i am for college.
college is scary, obviously, but i'm been perceiving it as this huge change.
when maybe all it really is is a different version of high school.

she whispers something in my ear; the message is unclear.

I can't concentrate on anything. It's unfortunate.

My stomach is upset with me for some reason, and I'm not feeling all that great overall. Mentally and physically.

I had another good/bad day. Although my days are rarely amazing, I hardly ever stay in a bad mood all day. Something good happens or someone cheers me up. Sometimes I go home unhappy, but it's rare that I was like that all day. I had that anatomy test today, which I'm pretty sure I failed because I didn't know any of the short answer. Sure, that's probably my fault, but I'm studying the only way I know how. I read the entire chapter, highlighted, took in depth notes, studied those notes intensely, but it doesn't matter apparently. I was incredibly angry after that test - like angrier than I've been in years, honestly - and I couldn't do anything but just go study for APUSH some more. Just to make myself feel a little better, I tore out all my anatomy notes, threw them in my locker, and then ripped up my genetics notes before sitting down with the Princeton Review. I liked English today though; we talked about the end of the year, and I felt like such a part of the group - which isn't all that unusual, but is always nice nevertheless. Yearbook, photo, and history were okay. I was still unhappy, but I wasn't angry anymore.

But instead of going to assembly today, future AP English Lit kids had a meeting with our future teacher to choose the author for our future research paper [and summer reading]. That stressed me out more than anything. I have absolutely no idea how to choose. I freaked out the entire time, even though I was the 49th person to choose [after switching numbers with four of my friends for a later number]. I asked for more time, but I was incredibly stressed out and anxious about everything again. We went straight to lunch, and while we were waiting in line, my friends started talking about the anatomy test; I was so emotionally unstable that I was literally two seconds away from crying and I was sort of yelling and swearing, but whatever. Once we got to the table, the day got better. I don't even know why, but for some reason, the conversation at lunch cheered me up. And then M.E. started writing all over me in free period and screwing with my computer so I hit her a bunch of times, but she wouldn't stop and then she complained to me. Whatever.

We studied after school and that made me feel better because I think I know a lot more than I realize. [PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEBETRUE.]

Listening to Last Night by Motion City Soundtrack, At First Sight and Home by Jay Brannan, You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol, She's Leaving Home by The Beatles, God Gave Me a Gun by Alive in Wild Paint, Hey by Backseat Goodbye [damn I took forever to write this.]
Days until the APUSH exam: 3
Days until graduation: 388

someday you will get the best of me.

I told myself the other day that I'd try to blog everyday for a while [like BEDA but a month late], because this is really the only self-reflection that I do [ever] and I wanna see if my writing changes. I dunno; we'll see.

I should most definitely be reading my pieces on feminism/working on my feminism assertion or studying for the BAZILLION tests I have, but I can't bring myself to work on any of it. Instead, I watch stupid YouTube videos and write shit blog entries. And realizing just how music ADD I am.

I - I don't listen to music anymore, really. Just in the car so it's not silent. But... I don't know. Shows are still fun, and I lovelovelove them, but they're not the same as they were. Just a different feeling to the whole thing. Maybe I'm growing out of it or some shit.

We got the book of our class's personal essays back today in AP English Language. I despise my personal essay, and seeing it published makes me want to cry a little.

I hate that our teachers moved our anatomy test after I had already studied and mine won't tell us what's going to be on there, so I'm like "well. I studied, but usually when I study, I fail anyway." I'll probably do badly, but at least I'll get it over with. I'm scared for the anatomy final; I'm going to have to do well, 'cause, well, I've done really badly in the class. Ugh. My teacher REFUSES to believe that I actually read and didn't have any questions about the material, so he said he was going to give me a bad grade for not asking questions. That's just ridiculous. You're going to give me a bad grade because I UNDERSTOOD THE MATERIAL?! Ugh. I just hate that class overall.

Obviously, I don't have a lot to talk about. I'm mostly just procrastinating. I don't want to read/study. Feminism isn't my thing, and APUSH is freaking scary.

Listening to Even If It Kills Me by Motion City Soundtrack, Sunshine by Matt Costa, Super Honeymoon by Owl City, Colorado Sunrise by 3OH!3

we should be happy, that's what i said from the start

I didn't do any of my homework this weekend, and I'm going to bed late, but y'know what, I don't really care anymore. :D I only have three Saturdays left as a junior so.

I'm pretty sure my parents are buying me a Canon Rebel XSi for my birthday/Christmas/my digital photo class next year, and I'm excited and anxious at the same time. I've always loved photography; when I was little, I used to run around with a camera all the time, and consequently, I have literally boxes full of photos, which don't even begin to cover my digital pictures. I've taken a million classes on it too, but recently, I haven't really been into it. I dunno what it is. I see these gorgeous pictures that other people have taken, and I'm just like "damn, I wish I could do that," but I never put enough effort into it to actually take photos like those. I'm scared that I'm not going to use the camera enough; it's really expensive and so I'm super worried about it.

I honestly can't wait to be a senior. It just seems so awesome. I get so excited when I think about the classes I'm taking next year [namely, digital photo, yearbook, economics, and Spanish 1]. I love love love yearbook honestly. It's my favorite class this year, even though I dunno how good I am at it. My teacher has told me I'd be a good yearbook editor, which is super exciting and terrifying at the same time. I don't know what that means for next year, but I'm happy with whatever happens, really. Even just going off campus for lunch is exciting. Plus I'm almost OUT of this school. I'll never have to go back.

I'm going to try to make the most of this summer, 'cause the ones last year and the year before SUCKED. Actually, my summers usually do suck, 'cause I don't have any friends at my dad's. Zero. Because I don't do anything where people are and there aren't any teenagers in my neighborhood. It's my last summer of high school, which will probably be dominated by homework, but STILL. Whatever. I'm planning on riding my bike a lot and going to the parrrk when it's nice out.

I was going to go to bed twenty minutes ago, but I wasn't tired enough and wanted to blog [because I haven't and I feel like I should more often]. So now it's 11:45 and I'm gonna go fur realz once this song is over. Happy by Never Shout Never reminds me of summer and sun and parks and nice things.

Listening to Happy and Bigcitydreams by Never Shout Never <3

2009 = Terrible.

Personal essays = fail.

fuck ap english.

High school doesn't even logically make sense.

I don't care about learning or being smart or any of that shit.

I'd rather be happy.